For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
