He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
