My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
