You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
