Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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