I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
