The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
