I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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