how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Bring me that man meat
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
