my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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