After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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