garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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