Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
