i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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