When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
