Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i came on her dog
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
