Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
