I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
