i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
