They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize