u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
