I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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