you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
