So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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