There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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