May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
