Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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