Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I need to stop coming to work sober
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
