My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
