My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
