U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
