yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
