i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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