On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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