Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
