I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize