Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
