I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
