His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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