You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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