Someone shit on the floor
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
