wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
