I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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