I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
