Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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