We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
