jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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