I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
