I wish I could teleport
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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