don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
