I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize