The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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