How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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