you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
