I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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