and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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