I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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