I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
there is glitter all over my balls
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