I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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