I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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