Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it glows. i had to have it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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