fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
