Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
