dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There's always time for handjobs
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
